Please note that everything in this article is satirical, although it might seem
real. There’s no correlation with the real-life world except for names,
countries and everything What’s the worst thing that could happen to Test
cricket? Pakistan. You bring Pakistan even in the same vicinity to Test cricket,
and there’s a great chance that the red-ball format is trying to Bazball its way
out of the country. It is even ready to go to the Caribbean, a group of islands
that have not given an absolute ‘rooster’ about the health of Test cricket. Test
cricket has been harassed here in Pakistan, so much so that “even Bangladesh”
have gone out with a series win. That’s just the standards of the red-ball
format dropping by the day. You might be wondering why there is hate for
Pakistan? Well, absolutely none from me, but everything from Test cricket. It is
almost the same way an employee would feel if the organisation had promised him
a bumper pay increase, only to return with a bag of stale peanuts. The pitch and
conditions in Pakistan have been even worse than in a bag of stale peanuts. If
this ‘spiciness’ is what Shan Masood and Jason Gillespie said before the start
of the home season, they put even the most spicy Bhoot Jolokia to shame. It is
so spicy that you can drive your car here without worrying about having your
hand on the steering wheel. What’s worse, Gillespie said that they wanted the
public to remember their style of cricket. "I want both the Pakistan public and
the media to be able to watch us play and go, 'Yes, this is the style of cricket
Pakistan are playing.' I'm not sure if there is even a style at this point.
Perhaps the style is to be beaten every time at home? Or just get hammered by
teams left, right and centre? That is the plausible answer. But the real masala
is what we got from our inside sources at the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). You
wouldn’t believe a word of what I’m going to say, or maybe you will. It is that
believable, to be honest. “We are preparing flat pitches so that Joe Root can go
past Sachin Tendulkar’s record,” a source close to PCB said. But what does PCB
get from it, you might wonder? “Nothing, we will get the pride of having so many
records being broken in a single series, and can taunt our neighbours, India.
They always have so much pride in their Sachin Tendulkar and his record. But not
anymore….” he added. “Can’t you see why we are producing such flat pitches? It
is not for OUR BATTERS. Screw our batters, they can’t anyway score runs, they
are not even the real kings; we only want the one and only KING ROOT to go past
Sachin’s record.” The source also added that the England and Wales Cricket Board
(ECB) promised to host them many more times if they help Root break Sachin’s
record. That’s breaking news, innit? If that wasn’t it, he also said this CRAZY
THING. Apparently, Pakistan are producing more flat pitches only to convince the
likes of Virat Kohli, Steve Smith and Kane Williamson to tour for a five-match
Test series. That would not just boost their revenue, but also, you know? Get
them back in form. “Kohli needs one five-match series against Pakistan, doesn’t
he?” the source said, leaving us totally perplexed. Yeah, just for equality's
sake, let’s have Smith, Kohli, and Williamson go there for a lengthy tour. Come
on, BCCI, make that thing happen. That’s the only way Kohli can make a strong
comeback, and the fans can all go their jolly way in calling him “Pakistan ka
baap.” Oh, I forgot the selection. What happened to PCB’s chief commenting about
selecting a team using Artificial Intelligence (AI)? "These 150 players have
been selected, 80% of it has been done by AI, and 20% using humans. Nobody can
challenge that. We gave about 20% weightage to our selection committee,” PCB’s
chief Mohsin Naqvi said before Pakistan’s Champions Cup. Perhaps they got a
knock-off version of the ‘ChatGPT’, which doesn’t really know any other Pakistan
star from Babar Azam. Try asking ChatGPT who is Pakistan’s best batter at the
moment, it will tell you. “As of my last update, Babar Azam has been considered
Pakistan's best batter. He consistently performs well across formats and is
often ranked among the top batsmen in the world,” no wonder PCB are still
calling Babar the ‘best in the business’. Maybe it was ex-PCB chairman Ramiz
Raja, who was operating from ChatGPT’s account. “Fan following increases with
wins, and fans identify with success stories. Babar Azam has had a famous
success story. There is no doubt that he has been a big player in all three
formats,” is what Ramiz had to say. It is not just Babar who should stay away
from social media, but you, Ramiz, too, for the way you support him. Try calling
‘spade’ as ‘spade’ for once. On a pitch that was so spicy that even Marcus
Trescothick, a 48-year-old, wanted to walk out with the bat, you say that the
entire nation should support Babar? For his fantastic 30? Look at Root at the
other end, he has scored almost 150 more than Babar has scored in the entire
year, all in one innings. The pitch was so ‘good’ that it made Harry Brook, the
man who failed in the entire series against Sri Lanka, look like Sir Don
Bradman. As one of my friends would put it, no wonder there are a lot of
advertisements for ‘Tapal Tea’ on broadcast because the conditions are as good
as a highway. Pakistan fans are FURIOUS? Of course, you have NO REASON to be
furious. After all, you guys named Babar the King of Pakistan cricket. If you
want to burn something, you should burn the pitches in Pakistan. It is quite
bad, so much so that even the pitches in Pakistan want to move to the United
Arab Emirates (UAE) where they are treated well.
